Lawrence Welk ‘Til You Puke

There’s a new TV service trying to break into the Phoenix market by competing with cable and satellite.  The television commercials have touted its exceptional picture quality, more channels than its completion, a single DVR that allows wireless access from all the other TVs in the house, and the ability to record up to four programs at a time.

Last night during dinner the ad was playing once more and, when it ended, after a moment of silence, Mom piped in with her take on what they had to offer.

“I don’t know how anyone can keep all those programs straight,” she announced, waving a chicken leg towards the television.

I paused briefly and looked over a Bill, who shook his head slightly as he calmly polished off a fried chicken breast by taking a final, generous bite.

I put the remains of a chicken wing down on my plate and looked over at Mom.  “Keep what programs straight?” I asked.

“The four programs that they’re watching at one time,” she replied.

“Who said anyone was ‘watching’ four programs at once?” I asked.

“The commercial did.  And besides, who’d want to watch four things at the same time?  And how could you do that if you only had one TV.  You’d have to have a lot of TVs going at once.  It would just be too confusing,” she concluded as she continued munching on the drumstick.

“Mom, they wouldn’t be watching four programs, they would be recording four programs so they could watch them later,” I explained.

“Well they’d still have to have the programs playing so they could record them.  They couldn’t record something if the TV was off, now could they.  And if they were already on then they could watch them so why bother recording them?” she asked as she place the stripped leg bone onto her now empty dinner plate.  “Unless it was something really good that they wanted to see again.  Like when I watch the old Lawrence Welk programs.  I wish I could record them to watch again.”

“Well, we can…,“ I started.

“Patt!” Bill spit out in a stage whisper.  “Can you give me a hand,” he continued, as he stood and he jerked his head toward the kitchen.

“Sure, hon,” I said, taking Mom’s empty plate and following him from the room.  “What?” I asked once we were safely out of earshot.

“Do you really want to have the Lawrence Welk Show playing over and over and over and over and…”

“Okay, okay, I get it, you’re right,” I conceded.  “It’s bad enough when she catches it on PBS.  Non-stop would be pretty mind-numbing.”

“Especially when she has the volume turned way up,” he grumbled.  “Besides, the last time we recorded something for her, she forgot she asked us to do it and when we finally reminded her, she only watched about 10 minutes of it because she said it was stupid.”

“Oh, that’s right,” I exclaimed.  “I forgot about the ‘The Descendants.’  She thought it was going to be a documentary about Rosemary Clooney.”

lawrence welk


4 Comments on “Lawrence Welk ‘Til You Puke”

  1. lynn says:

    I love Lawrence Welk shows, especially the organ player!

  2. chicken..youre eating chicken..like every night..chicken..sweet lord im moving to..where the heck do you live..is it farther than east nashville..

    • Patt says:

      Sorry Lilly, quite a bit further… no even east of the Mississippi. I’m afraid the desert sun and triple-digit temps out here in Arizona would fry you as effectively as the Colonel fries up tasty pieces of chicken.


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