Slim Fast – The Mystery ContinuesPosted: June 16, 2013
I’ve talked previously about Mom’s affinity for Slim Fast. She still believes that it will help her lose weight even though she’s been drinking it for lunch for more than four years and hasn’t lost a single ounce. In fact, she’s gained at least ten pounds. During her last doctor’s visit a week ago, after getting off the scale, she claimed that she’d lost weight. I told her I thought she’d gained a bit. We asked the nurse to settle the argument and, sure enough, she checked Mom’s history on the computer and she’d gained two pounds since her previous visit six months earlier.
“Well,” she exclaimed on the ride home, “I know that I weighed 157 pounds before. It must have been the visit before this one. That proves I’ve lost almost ten pounds.”
“That wasn’t your weight, Mom,” I argued. “That was your blood pressure.”
“Oh, I doubt that,” she countered. “My blood pressure is always a lot higher than that.”
I refused to bite and continued the drive home in silence.
But, I digress. Back to the continuing Slim Fast conundrum. We buy private label store-brands of 6-pack cans of ‘diet shakes’ because they’re 30% cheaper than the name brand, they contain the same ingredients, and the store brand still comes in 6-packs of 12 ounce cans instead of Slim Fast’s 4-packs of 11 ounce bottles… at least until now.
Our last remaining option for canned 6-packs was from our Safeway store. A couple of months ago, when we saw the ‘Clearance’ tags go up and a $2 price drop on their private label diet shake we knew something bad was going to happen. And, last week when we went to the store to restock, our fears were confirmed. The 6-pack of cans had been replaced with a Slim Fast-like clone of 4-pack bottles. The price, however, hadn’t been adjust downward to reflect the decreased ounces of chocolaty yumminess now available in the new packaging. It remained the same, which meant we now had to pay more for less.
But, as it turned out, this wasn’t the biggest problem with the new packaging. The biggest problem was consumption… or more accurately, Mom’s inability to drink from the new bottle.
I was putting freshly laundered sheets on our bed when Mom called my name. I wandered into the living room to find her waggling a bottle of diet drink in my general direction.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Can’t you get it opened?”
“No, I got it opened alright. But the hole isn’t the right size and it dribbles out,” she said, putting the bottle down on a coaster on the end table. “I need to pour the rest of it in a glass.”
“What do you mean, it dribbles? Is the bottle cracked?” I asked, picking it up and examining it closely.
“No. It’s the hole. It isn’t the right size and when I try to drink it comes out the sides,” she said, running her fingers down from each corner of her mouth to her chin to demonstrate the primary path of ‘leakage.’ “I got it all over my top. See?” she continued, tugging her top away from her torso so I could see the chocolate tracks running the length of the shirt.
“What do you mean, it isn’t the right size?” I said, somewhat confused. “It’s just a normal sized mouth in a bottle.”
“No it isn’t,” she argued. “My other Slim Fast had a special hole in the top and it was just right for drinking through.”
“Mom, your other Slim Fast was in a can, not a bottle,” I explained. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with this because they aren’t packaging it in cans any more. Besides, even Olivia can drink out of a bottle without dribbling.”
“Well, I guess that’s because it’s what she grew up with so she’s used to it.”
“She’s not that grown up, Mom. She’s only two!” I said, rolling my eyes and heading into the kitchen to retrieve a plastic cup. “Maybe a straw would help,” I yelled over my shoulder.
“No thanks,” she called to my retreating back. “Straws are for little kids.”
“And big kids who need a margarita right about now,” I countered under my breath.