Monkey Business

“These tornadoes in Oklahoma are just terrible,” Mom commented when I brought her a cup of coffee this morning.  “They’re headed for Michigan now.”

“Oh?” I asked.  “Was that on the news?”

“No, but the weather map showed the colors going to Michigan,” she explained.

“Well that’s just one more reason I’m glad I live here,” I said, turning to leave.

By the way,” Mom asked as I took a step toward the kitchen, ”did you hear on the news that judges are investigating an ape?”

That single statement caused such a frenzy of questions to explode in my brain that, for a few seconds, I was quite literally, left speechless.  After regaining the use of my mouth and my reason, I turned to her and asked the first of, what would undoubtedly be, many questions.

“An ape?”

“That’s what they said.  I’ve never heard of such a thing, have you?  I know they’re pretty intelligent, but I didn’t think they were that smart.”

“Smart enough to do what?”

“Steal stuff from the government.”

“What stuff?  What government?” I said, emphasizing my question by uselessly gesturing at invisible points in the living room.

“Our stuff from our government,” she replied calmly.

“When did this happen?”

“Apparently just last week.  At least that’s when they got caught by the judges.”

“What judges?”

“The ones that work for that guy?”

“What guy?”

“That Obama guy, Erlich something.”

“Erlich?”  I mumbled, rolling it around for a few seconds in the ‘let’s try to make sense out of what she’s saying’ part of my mind.  “Do you mean Eric?  Eric Holder?”

“Yes, that’s him.  He’s the one in charge of the judges isn’t he?”

“No, he’s the Attorney General and he’s in charge of the Justice Department, not the Judges Department.”

“Oh, well, I’m sure there’s judges there too.  Anyway, he’s the one that said to go after the ape.”

“Mom, are you talking about the AP?  Where the Justice Department got a bunch of reporters’ phone records?”

“I don’t know.  What’s an AP?”

“Associated Press.  It’s a news organization.”

“Well what’s that have to do with investigating a monkey?”

“Nothing.  No one’s investigating an ape or a chimpanzee or a monkey.  It’s the AP that’s being investigated.”

“Well that’s too bad.”

“Why do you say that?  Because the Justice Department may be overstepping?”

“No.  Because a story about a monkey stealing government secrets would have been a lot more interesting.”

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