Make a List and Check it Twice

Bill and I had gone to the grocery store for an emergency mint-chocolate chip ice cream run.  Plus, we were out of rum.  When we got back, Bill stayed in the garage to put some items in the extra frig and I went into the house to put away the rest of the groceries.  As I was stacking canned goods in the panty, Mom called out to me.

“What?” I said, sticking my head out the doorway, a can of refried beans in one hand and a can of pineapple chucks in the other.

“I have something to tell you,” she said, waving a small pad of note paper back and forth.  “I wrote it down while you were gone.”

Well this must be important, I said to myself, leaving the cans on the kitchen counter.  My mind reeled in anticipation as I walked into the living room.  Maybe she’ll tell me the secrets of a long life, I thought.  Or maybe she won Publishers Clearing House.  No, wait, no big cardboard check. 

“What’s so important that you had to write it down?” I asked, settling into the recliner next to her loveseat.

She looked at her notes, moving her lips slightly as she read, then placed the little pad in her lap and took a deep breath.  “Did you know,” she began, “that Matt Lauer might be hosting Jeopardy?”

I must admit, that wasn’t quite what I was expecting.

“No, I didn’t know that, but I’m not surprised since Alex Trebek had a heart attack,” I replied.

“He did?” she asked.  “He looks pretty good if he did.  Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.  What you’re watching could be reruns.”

“Oh.  Okay.  Well anyway, did you know,” she continued, referring to her pad again, “that Mr. Spock is 82 years old today?”

“No, I wasn’t aware of that.  How nice for him.”

“Who’s Mr. Spock?” she asked.  “I know I’ve seen his name in crossword puzzles, but I don’t remember who he is,”

“He’s the Vulcan science officer on the U.S.S. Enterprise.”

“Oh?  Is that from World War II?”

“No, Mom.  It’s from the TV show Star Trek,” I answered as I stood up, ready to head back into the kitchen.

“Wait,” she ordered, stopping my retreat.  “There’s one more thing.  And it’s big.”

I paused in the doorway of the kitchen and looked at her expectantly.  “Well?”  I asked.  “What’s the last big thing?”

She looked at her little pad one last time, then paused a moment for effect.  “Huge Hefner…,” she started.  “You know who that is, don’t you?”

“Yes, I know who Huge Hefner is.”

“Well, did you know, he says he’s slept with over a thousand women?”

“No, I didn’t know that,” I replied, rolling my eyes as I grabbed the cans from the counter and reopened the pantry door.  “He must be very proud.”

“Or horny!” she retorted, putting down her pad and picking up the remote.  “At his age, he’s probably lucky it hasn’t killed him.”

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2 Comments on “Make a List and Check it Twice”

  1. Fred F. says:

    If Huge Hefner had a heart attack, who would replace him? Liam Neeson?


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