Ode To The Stool Softener – Part 4Posted: August 1, 2012
It’s been awhile since I’ve had to endure a stool softener update. But apparently the last day of July, 2012 has been designated Official Stool Softener Day. Bill was taking a shower and I was in the office, happily daydreaming about our upcoming 25th anniversary trip to Las Vegas, when Mom toddled in. She was gripping the torn corner of a piece of paper which she proceeded to wag it in my general direction.
“Patty,” she said, giving me whiplash as she came to an abrupt halt by crashing her walker, the Pink Menace, into my chair. “The next time you and Bill go out can you pick me up some of these? I saw it on TV and I wrote it down for you.”
I took the slip of paper from her, which read Duracell Stool Softener.
“Mom, do you want batteries or stool softeners or both?”
“Stool softeners. The ones I’m taking stopped working. Why would you think I wanted batteries?”
“Because Duracell is a battery, not a stool softener,” I explained.
“Oh, you’re right,” she replied with a little giggle. “I guess I wrote it down wrong. But I want the ones they show on TV. I think they come in a box. Be sure you get a stool softener, not a laxative.”
“Okay, okay, I know which one you’re talking about,” I said, turning back to my computer monitor, hoping that would end any further discussion. I was wrong.
“Don’t get the ones I have now. They stopped working because it’s just getting so hard to go. I have to strain and strain and push and push and sometimes I have to…”
“La, la, la, la,” I sang, placing my fingers in my ears. “Too much information, Mom.”
“Are you crazy?” she shouted. “How can you hear me like that.”
“Exactly!” I exclaimed, removing my fingers. “I’ll promise to get your stool softeners if you promise not to give me a blow-by-blow description of why you need them. Okay?”
“Oh, fine,” she huffed. “I don’t know why it should bother you so much. I’ve seen you naked, you know. I used to change your poopy diapers.”
“And if I ever have to change yours then we’ll revisit this topic!”