‘Use-By’ Russian Roulette

Bill does all the cooking around the house.  He claims he likes to cook because his mother was the queen of bland.  Pretty much like Mom.  He constantly scours our collection of cookbooks and the Internet for meals that look interesting and that he thinks we’ll like, and most of the time he does an exemplary job.

Lately, though, he’s gone into a “who gives a damn” funk with meal creativity, probably because, no matter how hard he tries to come up with yummy and original dinners, Mom doesn’t seem to care.  She never thanks him for his efforts and rarely comments on his cooking.  I’m not sure if it’s because she doesn’t like what he prepares or she just can’t taste anything anymore.  But, this morning, the funk seems to have ended.  He proudly proclaimed his new plan for the weekly meals.

“I’m going to make stuff out of all the ‘about to expire’ food in the house, he announced.

“What a great idea,” I commented.

“I know,” he replied with a big smile.  “Sometimes I amaze myself!”  And, with that he started rooting through the pantry looking for packages and cans and jars of food about to or recently expired.

One of the items he came up with was a two pound block of processed cheese that was rapidly approaching the early throws of expiration death.

“Ah ha!,” he shouted gleefully, holding up the rectangular-shaped box.  “It’s going to be a Velveeta week!  This stuff is expensive and I’m not going to throw it away.”

Thus formed our weekly menu:

Monday
Velveeta Chicken Fajitas, with leftover chicken mixed with an about-to-expire can of tomatoes & green chilies.

Tuesday
Velveeta Shepherd’s Pie, with some slightly grey, ground mystery meat and a recently expired can of green beans.

Wednesday
Velveeta Chicken Skillet, with more leftover chicken, freezer burned broccoli and suspiciously lumpy sour cream.

Thursday
Velveeta ham and cheese sandwiches – using vintage leftover Easter ham – from 2011.

Friday
Seafood Bisque with, of course, Velveeta, some wrinkly, multi-eyed potatoes and questionable frost-bitten frozen shrimp

Saturday
Velveeta Turkey Divan – with leftover Thanksgiving turkey and the last of the freezer burned broccoli.

Wish me well this week.  I can only hope Bill will run out of Velveeta before he runs out of week.  With some luck my next post won’t be from a hospital bed recovering from either food poisoning or terminally clogged arteries.

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