101 Reasons to Boycott PCH

Mom loves to order stuff from Publisher’s Clearing House.  The reasons are twofold.  The first is that, even after 50 (yes, count them, five-oh) years of promptly and dependably mailing what I’m sure amounts to tens of thousands of sweepstakes entries, she maintains the false hope that she’ll actually win the big prize.  Then she’ll be able to pay off the mortgage that her ex- and now dead husband, John the Nazi, left her with.  The second reason is that she just loves to order PCH junk.

I’ve tried to be tolerant and, for the most part, silent about the stupid stuff that shows up in the mail.  Bright, shiny gold and red and green tape for wrapping holiday goodies?  My problem with this useless purchase was that she only gives out checks that are shoved inside of a card and then tucked into an envelope.  She doesn’t gift wrap anything.  She claims she got it for me, thinking I might use it at Christmas.  Six rolls of colored scotch tape for $17.95 plus shipping?  I don’t think so.

Then there was the two-dozen boxed assortment of ink pens.  Bill and I have our own business that we run out of our home office and we’ve got pens coming out our… well, you know, out  our desk drawers!  But she ordered them anyway, for $17.95 plus shipping.  She claims she thought Bill and I might need them for work.  I explained that when we need office supplies we buy them using the company debit card and write if off on our taxes.

She ordered toe separators thinking they would help her with her hammer toes.  She didn’t understand that they were to keep your toes apart when you give yourself a pedicure – something she never has or ever will do.  She ordered Crazy Glue because she thought Bill might be able to use it.  She ordered more Crazy Glue because she thought I might be able to use it.   She ordered a six-pack of small, clip-on LED lights because she thought we all could use them for our Kindles.  She never asked if we needed them and then seemed surprised when we declined her gift and told we already had Kindle lights.  She doesn’t remember that we asked if she wanted one and she said no because she would never read in the dark.

The latest package to show up in the mail, however, was a real eye-opener, even for Mom.

She called me into the living room and handed me a DVD with the declaration, “I don’t think I ordered this.  Can you send it back?”  It was entitled “101 Advanced Sexual Positions for Lovers.” 

I put it back in the envelop, resealed it and put “Return To Sender” on the front.  I also included a Post-it inside on the invoice that said “My 86-year-old, widowed mother did NOT order this and by the way, how about awarding her a prize once in awhile!

We’re still waiting for the check to show up.


One Comment on “101 Reasons to Boycott PCH”

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