The Irregular Pilgram

“Are you going out today?” Mom asked the other morning as I wandered into the kitchen searching for my wake-up cup of coffee.

“Probably,” I responded.  “Why?”

“Well, if you could stop at the store and get me a small package of stool softeners, that would be great.”

“Sure, no problem,” I said, grabbing my gigantic Sam’s, money saving, two liter bottle of creamer with both hands and pulling it out of the frig.  “But why a small package?  I can get you the regular-size bottle that I always buy.”

“No, that’s okay.  Bill ordered more for me from… umm, you know, that boat place.”

“Boat place?  What boat place?  What are you talking about?”

“You know, the famous boat.  The one everyone took to come here from England.”

“Are you talking about the Mayflower?”

“That’s the one.  He ordered me some from Mayflower.”

“No he didn’t, Mom.  He ordered your vitamins from Puritan’s Pride, not Mayflower.  And he didn’t order stool softeners.”

“Yes he did,” she argued.  “They make them.  I saw it in their catalog.”

“Well all he ordered was what you told him to order – Cranberry capsules and Hawthorn Berry pills.  I always get your stool softeners at the drug store.”

“If you say so,” she muttered, clearly not believing me.  “Then I need more because I ran out and I didn’t take one last night and this morning I just didn’t get the feeling, so I need them right away.”

My pre-caffeinated brain wasn’t thinking clearly so it put my mouth in gear and I foolishly asked, ” What feeling?”

“You know, the urge.  I take it at night and then I go first thing in the morning.  But this morning, I didn’t feel the feeling so I need more pills.”

“Got it,” I said, scurrying out of the room before she could expound, yet again, on the joys of stool softeners and how they’ve changed her life.  “We’ll get you some today.”

“And while you’re out, could you get me more Cranberry pills?” she shouted after me as I dashed toward the office  “Mine are almost gone.”

“Bill already ordered them from the boat place, Mom,” I called down the hall.  “They’ll be here this week”

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