Pizza, Ice Cream and Sexy Pants

We had our grand kids for an overnight visit this past weekend.  We picked them up Saturday afternoon and then spent the evening at Chuck E Cheese followed by a round of Dairy Queen Blizzards.  It takes about 15 or 20 minutes to get from Chuck E Cheese to DQ, just enough time to have a really lively – and enlightening – conversation with Amber and Jack.

It started innocently enough with almost 10 year old Amber asking us to change the radio to a station that she liked.  No problem.  We cranked up the volume, the music played and she sang along because she knew all the words.  Bill and I just bobbed our heads and tapped our toes because we couldn’t understand much of anything coming out of the speakers.  Occasionally, a word or phrase would register.  One of them was “I’m sexy and I know it.”  This, we learned, was also the name of the song.  It was followed by “something, something, pleasure, something something.”

“Amber,” I shouted over the music.  “Can you honestly tell me you understand what this guy is saying?”

“Yes, Nana.  He’s saying he’s got pleasure in his pants.”

“Okay,” I murmured, feeling moderately appalled as I turned down the volume.  “So you understand the words but do you know what he’s talking about?”

“No.  I.  Do.  Not.  Nana,” she sang to the beat of the music.

“No, me neither,” 7 year old Jack added.  “What does it mean, Nana?”

“It means you should ask your Dad,” I said..

“Oh, then that means it’s inappropriate, right?” asked Jack.

“That’s right,” I said, hoping the subject had ended.  “It’s very inappropriate unless you’re at least as old as me.”

“I kinda thought so from the video,” he replied.

“Video!” screeched Amber (she does that a lot to add emphasis and drama to conversations.  She is, after all, almost 10).  “What were you doing watching the video!”

“I wasn’t watching it,” he said very calmly and with great patience, since he knows how easily excited his sister gets.  “I was playing Black Ops at my friend Jim’s and I just got dead and his sister turned on the video and I saw it but not on purpose because it’s really inappropriate.”

“It certainly is!  They wear Speedos in it,” Amber informed us.

“What’s a Speedo?” asked Jack.

“It’s like a bikini for guys, but just the bottom,” I explained.  “And how exactly do you know that, Amber?”

“Oh, I hear things, Nana, you know at school and stuff.”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right.  Speedos.  That’s what they had on,” Jack continued.  “And they were jumping and dancing and his penis was really bouncing around.  It was very inappropriate.  Was that the pleasure in his pants, Nana?”

I looked at Bill who was struggling not to laugh and also stay in his own lane and mouthed OMG, then turned to Jack in the back seat.  “Ask your Dad, Jack.  And was his penis inside or outside of the Speedo?”

“Inside, but bouncy,” Jack clarified.

“Okay, Jack, no more videos like that,” I said.  “If his sister does that again, leave the room.  No, leave the house.  And never go back!”

“Okay Nana.  They’re in big trouble now any way because they were going wild and ripping up their homework.”

“Who is this group, anyway?” I asked Amber.  “I really don’t think you should be listening to them.”

“LMFAO.  Do you know what it stands for?” she asked.

Bill was almost doubled over at this point, which makes driving a car rather interesting – and somewhat dangerous.

“Tell me what the L and the O means.  I think I can figure out the rest.”

“L is for Laughing and O is for Off.”

“And do you know what the rest stands for?” I asked.

“Sure.  I told you, Nana, I hear stuff.”

“What’s the rest stand for?” asked Jack.

“It’s INAPPROPRIATE!” Bill and I shouted at once.

“So, what kind of Blizzard do you want?” I interjected quickly, trying to change the subject.

“Cookie Dough,” yelled Amber.

“Candy Cane Chill,” yelled Jack.

“Heath Bar,” yelled Bill.

“Margarita,” I whispered.


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