Ode To The Stool Softner – Part 4

I was innocently pouring my second cup of coffee when Mom came back into the kitchen after making a bathroom run.  As I poured some creamer into the steaming brew, silently pondering whether to toast bagels or English muffins for Bill and myself, my thoughts were interrupted by the quarterly stool softener update.

“You know,” Mom started, parking her walker by the microwave cart and leaning toward me for emphasis, “those stool softeners really, really work!”

“Good,” I responded without much enthusiasm, praying to the gods of irony that this would be the end of the conversation.

“My BMs used to be like little hard balls,” she continued, oblivious to my hunched up shoulders and closed eyes.  I’m guessing if I stuck my fingers in my ears and started vocalizing with loud la-la-la’s she’d just keep on going.  She was, after all, on a roll.  “I can’t imagine not using them.”  She raised her hand and bent her forefinger into the first joint of her thumb.  “They were like hard little balls and only this big, but I really had to push to get them out.  I’m so happy the stool softeners work,” she finally concluded, plopping down in her chair and picking up her pen to continue working on the crossword.

“Me too, Mom,” I said, slinking out of the kitchen and racing toward the office.

“What’s wrong?” Bill asked when I skidded to a stop in front of my computer, muttering “oh, God, oh, God.”.

“I just got the quarterly stool softener report,” I said, trying to control my gag reflex.

“So… what’s for breakfast?” he asked with a smirk.  “Little link sausages?  Nice lumpy oatmeal?  Tootsie Rolls?”

I escaped to our bathroom and last month’s issue of the Reader’s Digest.  I’m never coming out!

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